Sometime between the age of 3 months and a year the sights and sounds of kids television become the droning background of many a parents existence. At some point it’s just inconsiderate to keep HGTV or ESPN on so we can ignore our little ones so we turn on one of a few channels providing round the clock entertainment for kids of varying ages so they can turn the tables and ignore us for a while. Turns out that they need us so much that a few minutes of being ignored quickly becomes an hour. If you feed them and powder them at some point you might even get two hours out of it. If you’ve read this far you are a parent. If you are a parent, especially one with little ones present or in your recent past, you know that a couple of hours is nothing short of 1980 Olympic Hockey team miraculous.
Before you know it you are humming maddeningly catchy theme songs in the few moments you have to yourself. Or at work, that miraculous place where you can get a coffee or take a leak without any logistical issues delaying either. What the hell. Why would I be humming the Wallykazam theme song here? The one damn place I can listen to my own music. DAMMIT!
Eventually you come to possess deep knowledge of the programs that have been forced into your brain in a clockwork orange fashion brainwashing. But at some point the 2 hour nights of sleep turn to 3 hour nights then to 4 and perhaps as much as 5. I don’t know yet. We’re still hovering around 4, but I don’t want to give up hope that this might grow. As you regain and reclaim your humanity and your bodily function returns to a place of stasis you are able to fully acclimate to your new world. Once this occurs the wine on a Saturday night comes back, some grown up shows start appearing in the Netflix recommendations and before you know it, your a grown up and a parent and you can think again. As a result, seemingly without any prompting you turn your long dormant critical and analytical brain toward this world that consumed you for so long. You have questions about what it is you’ve become an expert in. Television for babies and toddlers. The following are my questions as it relates to the programs on Nick Jr., a favorite in our house.
Max & Ruby
Where the hell are your parents?
I asked this question on my Facebook page for the blog and got more responses then I have for anything I’ve ever posted. Ever.
Also, what is the message being sent when you take the forever observant, thoughtful and prepared, if a bit bossy (though keep in mind, by all accounts she’s a little girl bunny left to raise her brother, parentless) Ruby and have her always lose in the end to the ever defiant, never attentive, positively dangerous Max, who seems to have the Midas touch?
Blaze and the Monster Machines
You named yourself, ‘Blaze’. The reference is lost on no one. How in god’s name did you get the theme song, which repeatedly punctuates the heroic actions of anthropomorphic monster trucks passed the suits at your company with the refrain of, ‘Let’s Blaze!’?
Paw Patrol
What kind of municipal budget must you have to have a single outfit for community service providing all manner of emergency first response completely staffed by dogs? I realize this is totally missing the point and a question that couldn’t be asked by the target audience, but these are the things one thinks at some point. This is my life and these are my thoughts. Seriously.
Peppa Pig
What the hell is the deal with the constant fat shaming of Daddy Pig? I should note that it’s possible this is tweaking some of my personal sensitivities as I’m coming to resemble my namesake.
The Fresh Beat Band
I loved you for 2 episodes. Now you inspire rage. No questions. Just a statement.
The Bubble Guppies
Why are you so insistent their be no logic, not even internal logic, in regard to the physics of your world? On a recent viewing there was a fire truck. You are under water! Worse, once they got to where they were going, they couldn’t figure out how to get up high until they extended the ladder, which a fish then ‘climbed’ by SWIMMING UPWARDS NEXT TO IT!! I hate you.
Oswald
You were perfect. A little slice of zen like heaven. Where did you go?
developing dad 
Yes– the physics of Bubble Guppies infuriate me as well! I’ve written in the past about Max and Ruby and their fun-seeking Grandma. Also, I love Oswald (esp. Henry the Penguin).
I like The Fresh Beats, actually. They are a little predictable, but I love it when they go bananas! (Hey, did somebody say bananas?)
LikeLike
I loved Oswald. Bubble Guppies freaks me out. All those half animal, half fish things are just disturbing. I can’t even watch long enough to question the physics. I did see one episode where they were waiting for the flower to bloom to officially welcome spring. You are on the ocean floor … how the hell is a flower blooming?! Can’t take it. Fresh Beat Band … are they in high school, college? Where are their parents or other adults besides the shop owners? It’s like the entire town is populated by kids otherwise. Max & Ruby’s theme song is now stuck in my head and I blame you. It is … insidious. The party in my tummy song from Yo Gabba Gabba will forever be stuck in my brain. Also, am I the only one that see’s that giant white thing as a big condom with a frowny face? I would love an entire municipal staff run by dogs. They would get more done than my city council, every day. We love Peppa Pig. I will confess to watching Sofia the First when the kid isn’t even home. I don’t know why. And, it’s possible I might have recorded an episode of Doc McStuffins once because I wanted to see the end of it and we needed to leave to go somewhere.
LikeLike
I pray there is a light at the end of your Nickelodeon tunnel. We’ve been watching Barney since my oldest was little. He’s 25 now. My 14 year old won’t let go of that damned purple dinosaur. At least it’s not Caillou.
LikeLike