To whom it may concern,
I don’t really wanna take any more of your s—-.
You see, I’m a forty year old man of not insignificant talents. I’m aware of my shortcomings as well. I promise that if you were to spend time working with me you’d realize that the talents are evident and ever present. However, they are inevitably disappointing. These talents are such that they can make one think greatness is standing before them, when in fact it is something much more commonplace. I’m certainly sensitive to this and while it may throw me for a loop, it doesn’t ever get far enough past the crust to effect me in any real and lasting way. If it did I might end up more successful, with a higher paying job and a set of bankable attributes such as rigor and determination. Rather, my talents are revealed over the long haul. What I lack in drive and determination I more than make up for with talent and ability. This frustrates lesser minds as they may require more of themselves to be successful. While it may frustrate you to see someone’s potential squandered, I assure you, my middling successes are more than enough for me, so I would appreciate it if you refrained from imposing your values over the choices I make freely and am satisfied with. What you see is not false. The greatness is in me and it will in fact play itself out.
However, based on the metrics established it has become evident to me, and I’m sure it’s becoming so to you, that I will never fully reach a level that can be considered to be living up to my potential as you define it. What you should know about me however is that I will also never fall far enough short of your goals to justify completely dismissing me. In this way I have the upper hand. As such this is like no other resignation letter you’ve ever read, and I’m sure you’ve read many. I am in fact writing to alert you that you’ll never be rid of me. I’m squatting right here. From time to time you may upset me and get me off balance, but you won’t knock me down. I’m annoying that way. I am resigning from your ability to have a qualitative effect on my stable sense of self, though you are certainly entitled to continue to try!
So allow me to now enumerate the expectations I have moving forward. I’ll thank you to do your best to meet these minimum standards.
1. You shall address me directly and refrain from speaking about me when I am not present unless you are doing so to give examples of my satisfactory if not brilliant performance. As your subordinate you should know that I will not be able to reciprocate this courtesy.
2. You will direct questions regarding my tactics and practices to me directly. Sometimes these questions will reflect some shortcoming on my part and I assure you that once addressed they will be remedied for at least one year. Unless of course they are budgetary in nature, in which case I’m fairly certain they will be recurrent and ongoing.
3. When in the course of day to day events it becomes necessary for you to question me, you will do so in a manner that first acknowledges that this is a relationship of convenience and that as such you are thankful that I’m lending my not inconsiderable, though rarely displayed skills to your endeavor. Once this basic level of respect is paid I will listen to your concerns and decide whether or not they rise to a level that is worthy of my attention. For my part I will promise to give each request my fullest consideration, unless I choose to dismiss it out of hand.
4. From time to time my confidence waivers. As such I will sometimes have incongruent reactions to minor recommendations. When these occur I will thank you to respect my struggle with acceptance of myself and forgive me the truly awful accusations I may make about you to my peers, superiors and subordinates. I will try with good faith to limit these complaints when speaking with subordinates.
5. I cannot stress this enough. You will never expect me to be on time for any engagement prior to 10AM. Likewise, I will gladly show my face at any evening engagements, but will likely leave early. For my part I will try my hardest to leave stealthily.
Thank you for taking the time to commit the above stipulations to memory. While I’ll be available to review them in the case of a breach of protocol, I’d prefer not to.
All the best,