Tag Archives: satire

An Intimate Conversation with Louis CK’s ‘Statement’ 

(CNN)Warning: This article contains language some may consider offensive.CNN is warning you off the word ‘dick’. Not the reprehensible misunderstanding of the word ‘consent’ or the toxic arrogance of a serial abuser whose been godded up for his ‘brave vulnerability’, which apparently was toxic. 

  On Friday, comedian Louis C.K. issued a statement in response to sexual misconduct allegations. Below is his statement in full.

“I want to address the stories told to the New York Times by five women named Abby, Rebecca, Dana, Julia who felt able to name themselves and one who did not.

You are giving off a creepy vibe already, dude. Yours is the name we’re thinking about. You could have stopped after ‘..Times’. Sketchy, but proceed. 

These stories are true. Honesty is a baseline, but compared to others you get a tiny bit of credit for this. At the time, I said to myself that what I did was okay because I never showed a woman my dick without asking first I take it all back! Credit gone. What? You thought the question itself was a shield? I’m confused and scared., which is also true. Let’s not get snippy. You are merely copping to asking coworkers if you could show them your dick. The fact that you get all ‘which is also true’ about it is not a good sign. But what I learned later in life, too late, is that when you have power over another person, asking them to look at your dick isn’t a question. Read that last sentence out loud. How does it make you feel. Is that a ‘life lesson’? Is it? Also, you should really use an editor. It’s a predicament for them. Naked Louis masturating at them is more than a predicament’ you predatory monster.The power I had over these women is that they admired me. Just stop. Were you wearing pants when you wrote that last sentence.  And I wielded that power irresponsibly. Stop. Don’t be so hard on yourself. 

I have been remorseful of my actions. Phew. So you’ve found these women, used your industry wide respect and power to make them whole financially and professionally after promising careers that were thwarted by your craven compulsion to use that power to pleasure yourself in front of them. Thank goodness there’s a happy ending. I was starting to get worried. And I’ve tried to learn from them. Admiring and touching your pee pee is natural. We’re all curious. But you can’t do it in the living room. You have to go in the bathroom or to your room. Any parent who has raised boys knows this lesson can take some reminding. And run from them. WHAT!?!? Now I’m aware of the extent of the impact of my actions. I learned yesterday the extent to which I left these women who admired me feeling badly about themselves and cautious around other men who would never have put them in that position. They feel bad about themselves? Are you fucking kidding me! 

I also took advantage of the fact that I was widely admired in my and their community, which disabled them from sharing their story and brought hardship to them when they tried because people who look up to me didn’t want to hear it. This reads an awful lot like, ‘excuse me officer, but do you know who I am?’, said while trying to get out of a public urination ticket. I didn’t think that I was doing any of that because my position allowed me not to think about it. Are you trying to play the back door ‘woke’ card? Get the fuck out of here. I mean, it’s SO brazen I almost feel a certain admiration under all the nausea. You have serious deity issues my man. 

There is nothing about this that I forgive myself for.Was this a question? Are we already talking about forgiveness?  And I have to reconcile it with who I am. Start by knocking on the doors of your neighbors and telling them you are a sexual predator. It’ll help you bridge this gap between your perception and the reality. Which is nothing compared to the task I left them with.

I wish I had reacted to their admiration of me Put your pants on. by being a good example to them as a man and given them some guidance as a comedian, including because I admired their work.There’s a lot to unpack here, but trust me, as a man who self published without getting an editor, go get an editor. 

The hardest regret to live with is what you’ve done to hurt someone else. Let’s remember, this is about how hard it is for you. And I can hardly wrap my head around the scope of hurt I brought on them. I’d be remiss to exclude the hurt that I’ve brought on people who I work with and have worked with who’s [sic] professional and personal lives have been impacted by all of this, including projects currently in production: the cast and crew of ‘Better Things,’ ‘Baskets,’ ‘The Cops,’ ‘One Mississippi,’ and ‘I Love You Daddy.’ Strike that last sentence. Comes off as self promoting as it’s literally reading off all the projects that will be studied by historians that never hit the market because of your intense creepiness.  I deeply regret that this has brought negative attention to my manager Dave Becky who only tried to mediate a situation that I caused. By simply intimidating less powerful people so you could continue to ask strangers if it was alright for you to take your penis out. I’ve brought anguish and hardship to the people at FX who have given me so much The Orchard who took a chance on my movie and every other entity that has bet on me through the years.

I’ve brought pain to my family, my friends, my children you suck, Louis and their mother. I have spent my long and lucky career talking and saying anything I want. I will now step back and take a long time to listen. At least it was only these five. Thank goodness. I mean, NYT is the paper of record after all. Im sure they are the only ones deserving an apology. 

Thank you for reading.” Don’t talk to me. 

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Trump’s Charities

thThere’s a lot of misinformation being spread by losers about me. It’s like people think that because they say something that makes it true. Things like, ‘he’s a bigot’ or ‘he’s sexist’ or ‘he’s unaware of the issues facing America’. These could not be further from the truth. The reality is that I’m exactly what America, at least a sizable chunk of it already wants.
But the strategists have weaseled there way in to this campaign and I’m kicking them out. Get this. They tell me I have to change my tone. My tone. You know the tone that has made me richer than they could ever dream to be and has me leading in every national poll only to grow that lead whenever the media gets its panties in a bunch over me telling it like it is in order to ‘Make America Great Again’. Yep. That’s what these unemployed losers tell me as they come, hat in hand looking for a job. Time for me to change, is that it.
Pound sand. That’s what I say. I hear there’s some Mexican’s gathering at Home Depot every morning to see if they can get a day’s labor from some of my hard working supporters, you know, Americans. Maybe they should take that there and see exactly how many people will hire them.
All you need to know about me and feeling others pain can be seen in my yearly donations to charitable organizations that are in line with my views. Read this list. I don’t need help, everyone. I’m rich. You’re poor. What the hell are you gonna teach me.
1. Don’t Feed the Foxes – There’s a problem in this country with our relationship to food and not enough people realize that it’s the models, as always, that guide us. We are eating ourselves sick and I believe in taking care of each other. To that end models can be the solution. But too many of them don’t have the self-control or discipline to refrain from eating. The good people at DFF have been helping young women find strength through repeated viewing of striking physical beauty brought by discipline and the self love needed to deny oneself of the basic necessities of life. You know, for the greater good.
2. CEODF (the CEO Defense Fund) – People always say it’s so awful to see bad things happen to good people. I agree. Thankfully there’s a proven way to find the good people. They are the one’s with more money. They have proven themselves worthy and bare the burden of carrying the ailing ‘American dream’ through all the challenges we face in making America Great Again. The liberal media’s out telling everyone that profiting from work is bad when it comes to the ceaselessly wealthy. But we know better and these guys, they just deserve a break. I’ve spent countless nights comforting dear friends in some of the finest restaurants in the world as they’ve cried into their gilded chalices about the threat they face merely for having the audacity to take a vacation in Thailand and the tour they set up, unbeknownst to them, has them caught in a sting to stop ‘human trafficking’, whatever that is. Should these innocent men just trying to get a little hard earned R & R have to pay the price for these shady tour companies? Hell no. That’s my answer. Consider the CEODF this holiday season if you’re pro-family.
3. Keep America Pure – It’s actually embarrassing that organizations like KAP are even needed, but despite countless efforts to educate the public about the value of good walls there is still a very vocal minority in this country insisting we open up the American dream to all that wish to achieve it. A minority that would be even smaller if you didn’t count women or minorities themselves. It’s the AMERICAN dream, so lets not act like these leeches who claim to have no place to live or any protection from the forces that have torn apart their lives are entitled to all the benefits of citizenry that we are afforded by simple geography. Remember, the American dream, like real estate, is all about location, location, location.
4. World With Walls – The WWW is doing the good work of educating America about the endless benefits of walling off our borders. I mean seriously. It’s 2015. Who the hell is going to be stopped by a wall. You think I believe that nonsense? I don’t. No one does. But we’ve already got a significant number of dummies ready to vote me in to do the job. That spells kickbacks. Huge kickbacks. Huge. Watch. My numbers will go up when this goes public. It’s crazy how easy this is.
5. PCBS – This organization is doing the important work of publicly being offended by anyone that takes offense to the frank and honest discussion of those that made this country great. Experienced males of northern european descent. We are a dying but proud breed.
Please consider joining me in supporting these GREAT American organizations working with me to Make America Great again.
Take that talking heads. I’m bulletproof and don’t need you. Also, I don’t care if I win. Frankly, I’d have to take an ENORMOUS pay cut, so really, your services aren’t needed. I’ve already won.

5 Ways To Prep Your Kid To Be Hysterical In Therapy Someday!

Charlie Builds UmiCityEveryone of us wants to set our children up for success. Cruelly, there’s literally no chance of us not messing up our kids at least a little. In fact, without messing them up a little we won’t give them what they properly need to successfully launch from the comfort of our respective bosoms. So I propose some simple steps a parent can take to assure that your child has the right level and style of dysfunction to be a compelling listen for even the most disinterested therapist.

The feeling of satisfaction you receive from making your therapist giggle or smirk or simply stay awake for the entirety of countless 45 minute sets of your best material is indescribable. I have never been cheered by throngs of devoted fans living just to be in my presence, but I have to imagine it feels exactly the same as getting a guffaw from your therapist. I owe it to my kids to provide them with enough hangups and dysfunctions to experience this tremendous feeling of accomplishment.

By my reckoning there are an infinite number of ways even good parents, even the best parents, can go about messing with up their kids without truly impinging upon their chances for success. Let’s start from the start.

  1. Hold On Desperately – How else will they know you love them without the smothering attention of desperate people unwilling to let go of anything? Example: Force feed pacifiers for months after they naturally want to let them go. Pro Tip: Sneak it in while they sleep. They’ll appreciate it comes from a place of love. By starting early you won’t have to change directions later when they want to start dating or drinking coffee. It’s a precedent setter.
  2. Potty Train When You KNOW They’re Ready – Like, 4 or 5 years old. Sure. It’ll be a pain, but just think of the material they’ll be able to give that shrink when they have actual memories of lying in the back seat on warm summer days having their diaper changed. I should note, we have not employed this method. Don’t ask me how I know about this.
  3. Stare At Your Phone While They Yell – We live in magical times. This strategy is one our parents couldn’t employ without the help of company or a truly, grippingly inappropriate program on the television. I do this one on a daily basis. And I don’t ignore them forever, I just let the volume rise until I have to shout at them that I hear them, despite the obvious fact that I’ve been ignoring the escalating screams to read Facebook updates for as much as 3 minutes. It’s this kind of unfair overreaction that will garner them the empathy of their future therapist. This empathy is the foundational building block of transference, which is the real goal of every therapeutic relationship, right?
  4. Throw Out Every 10th Art Project – This one’s pretty obvious. Let’s face it, they’re not all keepers. This will be hard to do the first time around but will become remarkably easy. You don’t even have to draw attention to it. Your casual dismissal will be even more effective in making them crave your approval in a way that you can never fully satisfy. That’s a job for future shrink. Be on the lookout for pattern recognition. Switch up the interval of your dismissal when you change your clocks.
  5. Express Unconditional Love at Unexpected Times – At the threshold of every life transition (Graduation from Kindergarten, First Grade, Second Grade… Etc. through college) remind them that its okay to fail. That they can choose to stay right where they are, not evolve or challenge themselves and you’ll love them just the same. This is just the kind of confusing response to success that will both reinforce that they are loved and that their are no expectations on them, running counter to every message you and anyone else ever sends!

These are little things you can do to ensure that your child has the ability to keep their therapist not just awake, but filled with validating, life affirming mirth as the transference they build together eventually fills the wholes that are left in everyone whose made the treacherous journey from child to adult.

They’ll thank you for it in the end!