Tag: satire

There’s a lot of misinformation being spread by losers about me. It’s like people think that because they say something that makes it true. Things like, ‘he’s a bigot’ or ‘he’s sexist’ or ‘he’s unaware of the issues facing America’. These could not be further from the truth. The reality is that I’m exactly what America, at least a sizable chunk of it already wants.
But the strategists have weaseled there way in to this campaign and I’m kicking them out. Get this. They tell me I have to change my tone. My tone. You know the tone that has made me richer than they could ever dream to be and has me leading in every national poll only to grow that lead whenever the media gets its panties in a bunch over me telling it like it is in order to ‘Make America Great Again’. Yep. That’s what these unemployed losers tell me as they come, hat in hand looking for a job. Time for me to change, is that it.
Pound sand. That’s what I say. I hear there’s some Mexican’s gathering at Home Depot every morning to see if they can get a day’s labor from some of my hard working supporters, you know, Americans. Maybe they should take that there and see exactly how many people will hire them.
All you need to know about me and feeling others pain can be seen in my yearly donations to charitable organizations that are in line with my views. Read this list. I don’t need help, everyone. I’m rich. You’re poor. What the hell are you gonna teach me.
1. Don’t Feed the Foxes – There’s a problem in this country with our relationship to food and not enough people realize that it’s the models, as always, that guide us. We are eating ourselves sick and I believe in taking care of each other. To that end models can be the solution. But too many of them don’t have the self-control or discipline to refrain from eating. The good people at DFF have been helping young women find strength through repeated viewing of striking physical beauty brought by discipline and the self love needed to deny oneself of the basic necessities of life. You know, for the greater good.
2. CEODF (the CEO Defense Fund) – People always say it’s so awful to see bad things happen to good people. I agree. Thankfully there’s a proven way to find the good people. They are the one’s with more money. They have proven themselves worthy and bare the burden of carrying the ailing ‘American dream’ through all the challenges we face in making America Great Again. The liberal media’s out telling everyone that profiting from work is bad when it comes to the ceaselessly wealthy. But we know better and these guys, they just deserve a break. I’ve spent countless nights comforting dear friends in some of the finest restaurants in the world as they’ve cried into their gilded chalices about the threat they face merely for having the audacity to take a vacation in Thailand and the tour they set up, unbeknownst to them, has them caught in a sting to stop ‘human trafficking’, whatever that is. Should these innocent men just trying to get a little hard earned R & R have to pay the price for these shady tour companies? Hell no. That’s my answer. Consider the CEODF this holiday season if you’re pro-family.
3. Keep America Pure – It’s actually embarrassing that organizations like KAP are even needed, but despite countless efforts to educate the public about the value of good walls there is still a very vocal minority in this country insisting we open up the American dream to all that wish to achieve it. A minority that would be even smaller if you didn’t count women or minorities themselves. It’s the AMERICAN dream, so lets not act like these leeches who claim to have no place to live or any protection from the forces that have torn apart their lives are entitled to all the benefits of citizenry that we are afforded by simple geography. Remember, the American dream, like real estate, is all about location, location, location.
4. World With Walls – The WWW is doing the good work of educating America about the endless benefits of walling off our borders. I mean seriously. It’s 2015. Who the hell is going to be stopped by a wall. You think I believe that nonsense? I don’t. No one does. But we’ve already got a significant number of dummies ready to vote me in to do the job. That spells kickbacks. Huge kickbacks. Huge. Watch. My numbers will go up when this goes public. It’s crazy how easy this is.
5. PCBS – This organization is doing the important work of publicly being offended by anyone that takes offense to the frank and honest discussion of those that made this country great. Experienced males of northern european descent. We are a dying but proud breed.
Please consider joining me in supporting these GREAT American organizations working with me to Make America Great again.
Take that talking heads. I’m bulletproof and don’t need you. Also, I don’t care if I win. Frankly, I’d have to take an ENORMOUS pay cut, so really, your services aren’t needed. I’ve already won.